The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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