Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You can't motorboat a personality
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
