Plan B is the new Plan A
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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