sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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