So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
