we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Randomize
