Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
