I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
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She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
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he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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