On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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