I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
