dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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