Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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