you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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