I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize