so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
