Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
