i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
