This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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