I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
