i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
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I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
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You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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