that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
