so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
PANTIES FOUND
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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