Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
