I'm going to jail i love you
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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