You're my little dorito
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
