I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
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Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
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Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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