You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
