I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
