i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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