my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
