fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
