I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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