He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
