I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
