So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
be right there i have to get my cape
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
