there's paper in my vomit.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
