I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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