tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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