i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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