I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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