She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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