I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
