Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
