GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
