Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
