All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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