...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
