At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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