I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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