If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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