On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
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I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
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Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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