So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What a dumb baby whore.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
