Sponge bath it is.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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