nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
