you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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