You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
