She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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