On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You smell like stripper and shame
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
